an open letter to my exes

i just got done looking through all of my old pictures with ex boyfriends. some people will say it’s weird that i kept the pictures and screenshots and videos of us. but, on nights like tonight, i like to look through them and remember the happy times. now each one of those boys hurt me in a new and gut wrenching way. but they also gave me smiles, laughs, kisses, hugs, and memories. oh so many memories. and i love having those. because for some reason, they needed to happen. they needed to make me stronger. mistakes, by all of them and myself happened throughout the relationships. but i would be so ungrateful if i didn’t thank them. now again, some of you are probably so confused. why would i thank a mentally abusive boy? why would i thank a liar and a cheater? why would i thank boys who broke my heart into a million pieces? because they taught me. 

to the mentally abusive one, you’re attempts to drive me away from my family made me cling even tighter to them, especially now. i’m still recovering from your hypnotic eyes and the way my heart skipped a beat when you looked at me and i could see your love for me. i still have the pictures to prove to everyone we were in love. you gave me so much and you took so much in return. i’ll never get pieces back that you took from me. but you needed them more than i do. 

to the liar and the cheater pt. 1 you taught me how much i deserve. i got caught up in playing your stupid game of trying to prove myself to you. you gave me so much happiness and love when you picked me for the week. and you gave me panic attacks from crying so hard on the weeks you didn’t. we were happy, i like to think. you made me think we were happy. as our relationship gets further in the past, i wonder if you ever meant any of the things you said to me. but it’s alright. i honestly and truly know i deserve better. and our pictures will always hold a special place in my heart. 

to the liar and the cheater pt. 2 (different boy) you had me. i was yours. your family? oh i loved them almost as much as you. i was ready for our lives together. i was ready to drop everything and follow you anywhere. and that should’ve been enough for you. we had a long run. on again, off again. friends this week and not even acquaintances the next. you embarrassed me the most. finding out about your cheating while with your family was a day i’ll never forget. holding back the tears while your mom asked what’s wrong was the strongest i’ve ever been. grimacing and saying, “nothing. i’m fine.” that was a true test of my strength. you destroyed me, just like the others. but man i was ready to forgive you if you’d only made an effort. 

to the heartbreaker ooh you are such a sweetheart. i’m pretty sure you didn’t mean to break up with me when i assumed that’s what you were doing. but i was damaged. i wasn’t in a good place, and that wasn’t fair to you. our relationship wasn’t as long, but i fell for your bright blue eyes and didn’t look back for a second. you hurt me and you hurt yourself. and i hope, truly hope, we can move past this. because you are too kind of a person to be angry at. 

to the liar and the cheater pt. 3 (and another different boy) you were my person. it’s no secret i deal with depression and anxiety. you helped so much with that. you held me when i’d shake. you picked me up out of a dark place. but then you sent me back when i found out about the lies and the other girl. even my dad said when you looked at me, “he loves that girl”. and i truly believe that you do. and i wish you weren’t so stubborn and would let me in. you were the biggest break through. i finally had the courage to stand up for myself. to advocate for myself and tell you that you were making a mistake. that i’m amazing. you’ve still got such a huge piece of me. i was willing to give up everything if you’d only ask. i fell so hard and so fast for you. but man i would do it all over again just to have you look at me one more time with your love. to hear you talk about our kids one more time. to feel you hold me and know that our someday is coming. you broke me the hardest. but you were also the most brave. before you could hurt me anymore, you took responsibility. you took yourself away from the situation to figure yourself out. and it hurts like hell. but i really am proud of you. 

so you see, they all hurt me. in new ways. but the pictures, the memories, i would never trade away. they loved me, in their own unique way. and i’m glad that they took the parts of me that they needed. because i got pieces of them too. i got blue eyes that made me melt. i got words that lulled me to sleep and come back to me in dreams. i got compliments and insults that make me want to be better every single day. so, on a night like tonight, this is what i needed. and i’ll do it again. and again. because they helped make me into the woman i am today. so thank you. and i truly wish you all the happiness you deserve. 

love, me